You Knew It Too

I wallow in lovelorn sheets.

My pillows have grown sick 

of me cursing your name.

This vicious game we play,

push and pull,

want me then don’t,

like me but don’t.

I knew the stakes,

yet oblivious to your rule book.

Masquerading as a “cool girl”

tossing and turning in the gray space 

between friends and more.

My cheeks painted with tears

with a hollowed pit in my chest,

because I knew.

I knew I could love you

despite your clear disregard and disinterest.

I could have loved you

on the days your words are empty but vicious 

on the nights you’re riddled with exhaustion

and every moment in between.

I could have loved you

silently, running my fingers through your hair 

quietly, stealing a kiss between movie scenes 

loudly, laughing in the kitchen with family 

I would have been there.

I would have stayed.

I would have listened.

I would have cared.

I would have loved you 

if you had let me.