The List

To everyone at my school, I'm an ordinary 18-year-old. I attend Liberty High School with straight A’s and a full ride to Washington State University in the fall. I have twin sisters, Paige and Nicole. It seemed to everyone my life was normal. However, my life was the exact opposite. I have a grade 4 brain tumor that no one but my family knows about. By looking at me, you wouldn't be able to tell that I only had a few months to live. Not even Jake knew, my boyfriend who I've lived next to and been friends with since 5th grade. He comes over weekly with his parents for dinner. 

This week's dinner was a special one because my twin sisters were turning 13. Mom made Nicole and Paige's favorite. Lasagna. I wasn't feeling very well tonight, but it was my sister's birthday, so I didn't want to ruin it for them. Jake and his parents came at 8 on the dot with lots of gifts for the girls. Jake hugged my mom and said Happy birthday to the girls, and then came over to hug me. 

“I can't believe they're finally thirteen,” I said. 

“Me either.” He spoke with a big cheesy grin. 

He’s always cared so much about me and my family. I tell myself that is why I won’t break his heart by telling him I’m sick. His heart was too big to be broken by me. In reality, I was just scared of him leaving. 

Mom announced dinner was ready, and I ate in silence, mostly because I felt very nauseous, and I was exhausted. I've been getting severe headaches, and they keep me up at night. Mom doesn't understand how I maintained a 4.0, but grades are all I had left to be hopeful for. I looked around the room with everyone I loved. My sweet baby sisters and their sassiness. My parents and the love they carried for everyone and Jake who was the most selfless person I knew. 

"Mom, I'm going to get some fresh air. I'll be back,” I said, trying not to pass out. “Do you want me to come with you?” Jake said, unaware how bad I felt. 

“I’ll be fine. Enjoy the lasagna,” I said, hurrying outside. 

I step outside into the Seattle night. I carry my head high. High up into the stars. Pointing my head to the sky hoping the wind will carry my tumor away and all the pain that comes with it. Hoping the stars will shine down on me and take sympathy for my pain. Like a cluster of stars 

my symptoms appear all at once. The pounding in my head makes me feel like someone is tap dancing on my brain. Like my brain is the moon and an astronaut is walking on it. Flags placed on my tumor marking the unwanted alien invading my world. The nausea roams over me as my stomach fights to carry my dinner. I walk unsteadily trying to lay down before my head turns into a weight and pulls me down. As if I’m walking on zero gravity, struggling to keep my feet planted on the ground. The hope that the chemotherapy is carried through my veins. Washing away all the toxins like fresh rain. Tears run down as my lunch is carried up through my stomach and out onto the pavement. 

“Jo, are you okay!?” Jake said frantically, staring at me lying limp on the ground. “Yeah, I'm fine, just a stomach bug,” I said, trying to get onto my feet. 

He reached out his hand for me to grab it, but everything went dark. 

When I woke up, I was greeted by my mom. She was sitting next to my hospital bed. My poor mom. Her eyes were puffy and her hair was barely being contained in a hair clip. She was

wearing the same thing she wore to my sisters’ birthday dinner. She looked like she hadn't slept in days. What day was it? How long have I been in the hospital? 

“Mom, what day is it?” I said frantically. 

“It’s the 18th,” she said with tears pooling in her eyes. 

The 18th. My sisters’ birthday was the 16th. I’ve been in a coma for two days. “What happened?” I said frantically, trying to hold in my own tears. 

“You fainted. Why didn’t you tell me how bad you’ve been feeling!? We can’t get better if we aren’t honest, Josephine.” 

I didn’t mean to go off on my mom, but my emotions were heightened and I was drained. “What do you mean we!? I have a brain tumor, not you, not dad, not the twins, me. None of you had to sit through countless hours of chemotherapy, have doctors look at you like you have a timer attached to you, lie to your friends and boyfriend that you are on vacation when you’re really in the hospital again. I’m the one dying, not you.” 

“Baby girl, I'm so sorry.” She wrapped her arms around me and we cried together for what felt like hours. I didn’t even notice someone else entered the room until I felt Jake grab my hand. He looked as drained as my mom. His hair was messy and he wasn't even wearing watching shoes. I wanted to chuckle, but my heart was breaking too much.The thought of Jake seeing me in this environment makes me nauseous all over again. He doesn’t deserve to spend his time stuck in the hospital. No one does. The room smells of rubbing alcohol. I’m lying in the hospital bed with an iv through my hand, wearing one of their ugly hospital gowns. 

“I’ll let you two have time to talk,” my mom said swiftly as she left the room. I didn’t want her to go. I didn’t want to have this conversation. How do you tell someone you’ve known for 8 years that you’ll probably never make it another 8 months?

“I’m sorry,” I whispered to him. 

I couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes. I didn’t want to see the betrayal in his face. “I knew you were sick, Jo. Your mom told me last year when you got diagnosed.” “You knew!? Why didn’t you say anything then, Jake?” I said, not able to take my eyes off of him. 

“It wasn’t for me to bring up, but I’m so sorry, Jo. You don’t deserve this,” he said, with tears bordering his eyes. 

My heart broke for him. He didn’t sign up for this, but unbeknownst to me he already knew. Jake spent a year pretending I was the small Jo he met all those years ago. I didn’t even realize I was crying until Jake wiped at my eyes. 

“I was afraid if you knew you would leave and that would hurt more than the tumor taking up place in my brain.” 

I wanted to say more, but the Doctor chose this exact time to make an appearance, along with my parents. 

“Ms. Young, I'm Doctor Matthews, how are you feeling?” 

“I feel fine. I’d like to get home if that’s okay.” I was lying terribly. I felt nauseous, my head was pounding and I felt so weak, but I wasn’t spending any more time in this jail cell. Doctor Matthews' smile dropped, and so did the pit in my stomach. 

“I’m sorry to say, but your tumor is growing very aggressively. It’s reached a point where even chemotherapy won’t help. I know your neurologist said your life expectancy was 6 months, but the size of your tumor suggests you have till June.” 

The sounds of my parents' sobs filled the room. I couldn’t look over at them or I’d break down as well. I felt Jake grab my hand and hold it as if he was afraid he would lose me. Which he was.

June was in a month. I have a month. A month with my family and a month left with my boyfriend. How do you fit a lifetime of memories into a month? It wasn’t fair to me, it wasn't fair to my family and it wasn't fair to Jake. 

I smiled at my parents and Jake. “I love you guys so much. This month is going to be the best month of my life.” I said it more for them than for me. 

Once I got discharged, I went home and looked at the bucket list I made when I was 10. I knew I wouldn’t be able to complete the list, but I wanted to at least try. 

One week later…

Number one: Go skydiving. 

“Are you sure you want to do this, Jo?” Jake said, digging his nails into the seat of the plane. “Don’t be scared, Jake. It’ll be fun.” I laughed, jumping out of the plane. 

It was so beautiful up this high. I felt close to Heaven. It brought a sense of peace to me. I'm flying like a bird soaring through the air. The sky was crystal clear with no cloud in sight. Jake joined me soon after, grabbing my hand. I smiled over at him knowing no matter what he’d never let me go. 

Number two: Go karting. 

“One, two, three, GO!” 

I slammed my foot against the pedal and was off, leaving my sisters and Jake trying to catch up to me. The adrenaline was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I whipped around corners, never taking my foot off the pedal. When your lifetime becomes one month, you get used to things going fast. As I passed people I realized this was how I would be remembered. As the girl who came and went. The finish line came into view and it was a bittersweet moment arriving at it first. Crossing it symbolized way more than just a fun round of racing. It symbolized my end on this Earth coming before others.

Number three: Get a tattoo 

“Is it going to hurt?” I said, staring at the weapon in the tattooist's hand. 

I’ve gotten used to needles from chemotherapy, iv’s and getting blood taken, but this needle was nothing like that. I said a small prayer in my head that I wouldn't throw up on the tattoo artists. “You are getting something small on your wrist, so it shouldn't hurt too bad.” 30 minutes later… 

“I love it!” I exclaimed looking down at my wrist, trying to keep the tears locked away. I got an infinity sign to signify I’ll always go on. My place on this Earth might be coming to an end, but my footprint never will. I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt my mom wrap her arms around me. 

“This isn’t fair. I deserve more time. I want more time. I haven't finished my list yet,” I sobbed, looking down at my incomplete list. There are so many things I wanted to do with my life and now that's gone. I’m close to being gone. 

Number four: Swim with sharks 

“Jo, there is no way I’m getting in this water. They kill people” 

“Jake, stop being a baby. They’re harmless. Besides, I'm dying anyway. I’d rather die from being eaten by a shark than from a brain tumor.’ 

“Ugh, fine, Jo. You win.” 

The sharks were beautiful. They swim freely with no care in the world. I wish I would have lived more freely. Have no care in the world, no responsibilities, no worries, no chemotherapy. Number five: Graduate 

“Congratulations to the class of 2018 on your hard work,” said Principal Everly.

I was watching my graduation on the hospital TV because I was too weak to attend in person. The tv was small and the image was blurry, but it meant everything to me. My parents and sisters just left to go to the cafe, but they all cheered me on when my name was called. “We’re so proud of you, sweetie,” my parents said, trying to hold in the tears fighting to fall down their faces. My sisters both pitched in with their birthday money to get me a cake. I’ve lost my appetite at this point. I’m officially on what they would call my “death bed”. I didn’t want to die in the hospital, but it gave me the ability to have pain meds to make this as painless of a death as it can be. I hated knowing my family was spending my graduation night in these four white walls. They should be watching me cross the stage into the next chapter of my life, but instead we are awaiting me crossing over to the other side. It’s morbid when you think about it. “You need to move your tassel to the other side,” said Jake, appearing at the door. Bringing me back to the present. 

There stood my best friend of eight years and my boyfriend in his cap and gown. Except our high school was 15 minutes from the hospital. 

“Jake, you’re supposed to be at graduation,” I exclaimed.

“So are you, Jo. It wouldn’t be the same without you there. Besides, they already called my name and I was hoping I could help you check off one more item on your bucket list,” Jake said, showing me my list. 

Get married. 

“Jo, when I moved across the hall from you 8 years ago I never expected you to mean this much to me. You were this chubby little girl who kept bringing me over cookies until I finally agreed to be your friend. Somewhere along the way I fell in love with you and I knew one day I was going to marry you. I never wanted to lose you, but now I am and it’s too late to get married, but

it’s not too late to symbolize how much you mean to me,” Jake said, getting on one knee next to my bedside. He pulls out this beautiful diamond ring. 

“Jake, you’re not losing me. I’ll always be right here,” I said, pointing to his heart. “I’ve been so lucky to have you in my life all these years, Jake. Of course I’ll marry you. You’re my best friend, my soulmate. Never forget me,” I said, with tears rolling down my eyes. “I could never forget you Jo. You are forever a part of me,” he said, wiping away my tears. Placing the ring on my frail fingers. 

“I don’t want to go, but I’m so tired of fighting. I’ve been doing it for so long.” I whispered. My breathing is getting more shallow by the second. 

“Let go Jo. I’ll be okay, Paige and Nicole are going to be okay, and your parents are going to be okay. You don’t need to worry about us. We’ll be reunited one day and you can tell me about all the amazing things you’ve done since you’ve been away. You deserve to feel peace. You’ve been bringing us all peace with your presence. Bring peace to yourself,” Jake said. I could feel his hand playing with my hair, but it felt so faint. 

“When you look up in the sky just know I’m among the stars,” I said faintly, letting go to float up to the sky.